Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
