My brain says no but my pants say off.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
