Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize