when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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