the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
