Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
