DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
