I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
