she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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