Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
