they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
