her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
