my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
