we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
