I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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