we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
