i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize