I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
