Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
