dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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