I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
