Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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