she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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