My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
