nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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