You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
