Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
