I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
