I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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