im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
either way he was missing a nipple.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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