just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
