i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
