She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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