I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
