So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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