How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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