well I can't set my house on fire every night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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