Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
