peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
