You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize