i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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