Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
