nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
