I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
