There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
