it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
