Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
