I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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