im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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