my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
