So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
