please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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