As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
