and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
