Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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