What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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